The Willpower Prison

There are two ways to try to change your drinking. I know this because I tried both.

The first is behaviour based. You decide to stop, you white knuckle your way through it, and you use willpower to hold the line every time the urge surfaces. I did this for nearly nine years. Then I caved and drank again.

The second is different. You stop trying to stop. You dig into understanding what alcohol actually does, how it works, why it has the hold it does. You change the way you feel about it rather than trying to control what you do with it. That's emotion based change. That's what eventually worked for me.

But before we get to the way out, it helps to understand the prison.

The moderation trap

Most men don't start with a decision to quit. They start with a decision to moderate. Cut back a bit. Set some limits. Get it under control.

I did this too. Only two beers at the pub. No six pack from the drive through on the way home. Drinking Fridays and Saturdays only. One six pack in the fridge at any one time — though I always kept a warm carton next to it, just in case.

The problem with moderation is that alcohol doesn't play by the rules. It creates a thirst for itself. One or two drinks can trigger a downward spiral of buzz chasing. As your blood alcohol level drops, the drop itself triggers a craving for more. The odds are stacked against you before you even start.

So the week would look something like this. Monday, motivated after a rough weekend. Friday and Saturday only, two drinks maximum. Good.

Thursday, feeling twitchy. A meal out, just two with dinner, compensate by skipping Friday. Fine.

Except one went down quickly. Two was gone before the main course. The atmosphere was good, we were relaxed, one more wouldn't hurt. Three down. Feeling buzzy. Not ready to go home. Resolve dissolving. And so it went.

Next morning, disappointed in myself. No drinking Friday to make up for it.

Friday evening, home from work, standing at the bar fridge looking at the cold ones waiting patiently.

No. Not tonight.

An hour later, twitchy. One to relax. I deserve it after the week I've had.

Then the shame voice kicks in. What about Thursday? You had a deal. You can't even keep to a simple rule. What does that say about you?

And that's where the prison reveals itself.

The two voices

On one side, the soothing voice. It wants to ease your discomfort with a familiar tool. It tells you it'll be fine, just one, you've earned it. It means well. Alcohol is simply the wrong tool for the job.

On the other side, the critical voice. It wants to protect you by shaming you into changing your behaviour. It calls you weak, reminds you of every time you've failed, tells you that you're hopeless. It also means well. Berating yourself into lasting change is also the wrong tool for the job.

Both voices want the same thing for you. Both are using the wrong method to get there.

The result is pain on both sides. You feel pain when you drink because you don't want to be drinking. You feel pain when you don't drink because something in you still believes you need it. Damned either way. That's the prison.

This has a name. Cognitive dissonance. Your conscious mind, the one that wants to quit, is at war with your subconscious, the one that still believes alcohol is solving something for you.

Why willpower fails

Willpower is a finite resource. Use it long enough and it fatigues, the same way a muscle does when you've been holding something heavy for too long.

Moderating with willpower sets up a cycle of rules, broken rules, shame, and repetition. Quitting with willpower can hold for a while, but the subconscious beliefs eventually rise up and start asking questions. You see someone enjoying a drink and something in you wonders what you're missing. The soothing voice gets louder. The critical voice fires back. The prison walls close in again.

I held it for nearly nine years. Then the walls won.

The way out

The way out is not better willpower. It's not a stricter set of rules or a more robust system of accountability.

The way out is to change how you feel about alcohol.

When you dismantle the conscious and subconscious beliefs that tell you alcohol is doing something useful for you, the behaviour follows. Not through force. Through understanding.

That's what I work on with the men I coach. The Men's Guide to Drinking Less is built around exactly this understanding what alcohol actually does, how habits form around it, and why the beliefs that keep it in place are worth examining. Eight learning modules, at your own pace or combined with personal coaching.

When the understanding lands, the two voices go quiet. Not because you've overpowered them. Because there's nothing left to argue about.

If that sounds like where you want to get to, a Free Strategy Call is a good place to start.

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